Now I see.

I have truly let you go
I see the light, for the
Tunnel is bright, not
Dimly lit, it shines
Smiling on all of the
Great time we spent
The good times we
Shared…the love we
Dared.

I close my eyes and
See your image, my
Minds eye, vivid—all
That is you and I…I mean
All that was you and I
See it flash within my
Eyes—deeply I smile

I let go of the hope
To one day be your
Wife, it does not seem
That would be our
Destiny—in love I let
Go but I’ll always
Love you so—I once
Upon a time wished
You to be the one.

I once upon a time
Wished that I would
Be for you, as you to me,
I held long onto
That dream, I held
Tight for all hopes
That one day it might
Actually be.

Then reality you see
Knocked me down,
Down right to my
Knees, yelling at me
To see, with tears
In my eyes I finally
Understood why.

I need love you see.
To hear it, to feel it
To see it, to touch it
I need assurance
That our love is
True between you
And me…I needed
To hear that you loved
Me…I needed consistency
I needed you to love me.
NO. I needed you to be open
To showing me, and yes! Telling
Me, unconditionally how
Much you loved me.

Patient I was, patient I
Tried, tears weld up,
Falling from my eyes
I held on, I held on, I let go
But still I held on…hoping
Too hard, that this wasn’t our
Reality, hoping too hard
There would still be a
You and me…now knowing,
I let go…now opening my
Eyes to see…I understand.

Before reluctantly, even
Hesitantly, now with
Confidence and peace
Now with love and peace
Now understanding it
Was the past that shared
Me and you. Now I see.

 

**Thursday Poetry Rally: Week 57**

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Like Wind

With caution I hesitate
To instruct caution to you
As moving forward seems
To be an illusion, yea I think
That’s my conclusion

Grasping for emotional
Comfort, emotional release
And relief, wanting to share
My abundance while
Being cautioned to move
Slowly when emotionally
I’m not sure that’s really me

Cautioned to not feel dejected
Or rejected even emotionally
Objec-ti-fied so supplied
With caution I hesitate
To emotionally consummate
The feelings I could be
Feeling cause my caution
Cannot be gone like the wind

With…

With just a touch, fluttering feelings

Of glee entirely capture me

With just the slightest feel

My mind reels in wheels of a reality

That’s destined in totality to be real

 

With sentiments of like, I look into

Your eyes, to determine, where our

Truth lies and my insides simply smile

With your sensual kisses, I am

Solely drawn near, nearer to all that’s

Clear, because this is not a fantasy

This is not, could not be surreal

 

With you near, my touches, you’ll

Never be able to shield,

For when close, touching you is

Never enough, inhaling you

Is an intoxication that cannot

Be subdued, because baby

I am so addicted to you

 

My gateway drug, like a feign

Whose hit can’t be quit

With you’d I’d never get sick

Sensations of warmth, glowing

Inwardly out, I have not one doubt

When I submit to words

That SCREAM I want you…simply

Put…please don’t be shook

With you…right here…right now…

With you…is where I want to be

Simply Solidify to Amplify

Solidify, amplify – lose control
and showme your soul
not face value, but whole
pure, 100% true, show me
all that equals you
Solidify, petrify – maybe, create a mix
amalgamate, blend, mix and merge
like alloy – metals combined to incorporate
only, when we mingle and mix it will be
like a dulce de leche hershey’s
dark chocolate covered kiss
Solidify, don’t hit and miss
consolidate, unite, make a combination
that drives you crazy, not mentally deranged
or strange, but crazy, silly, a little unglued
maybe even unhinged and senseless
for too many useful senses that blend
are simply and solidly making you crazy
Just solidify – tha tplace with in
and maybe our hearts will combine
to join in…strong, together, integrated
by energy that no one
can keep from the win
simply solidify to amplify
whats happening within

forgiving and letting go

It is said to truly forgive someone you must let go of the anger and the hurt and not dwell on the past. I believe that there are stages one goes through when ending a relationship, whether it’s with a friend or a lover. Those stages, in my opinion, are denial, followed by grief, anger, then a no mans land between anger and forgiveness, and then finally forgiveness. I am in the no mans land stage and am slowly but surely working my way towards total forgiveness. After I wrote this poem, I tried to read it aloud but I couldn’t, everytime I tried I ended up singing it (and I can’t sing, but ask me if that stops me LOL!) that has never happened to me before, which is how I know this one touched me very deeply. This is part of my healing process

I DON’T BLAME YOU

I don’t blame you for walking away
I don’t blame you for not wanting to stay
I am actually glad for both you and me
for us to be together it was not meant to be
at times I still miss our family
But I don’t miss the pain that you caused me
I know you suffered because of me
But I loved you true and through very deeply

I don’t blame you ‘cause I understand
You never really learned how to be a man
I don’t blame you ‘cause it was justified
I forgave you each and everytime you made me cry
I don’t blame you for pushing me away
I know you’ve never been loved this way
I don’t blame you
I don’t blame you
I don’t blame you

I don’t blame you for going astray
I don’t blame you for all the bad days
I know at times I made you cry
But it was because you hurt me so deep inside
I only wanted the best for me and you
But the harder I tried you gave me less of you
I did the best that I could do
But we weren’t strong enough to pull through
and I don’t blame you

I don’t blame you ‘cause I understand
You never really learned how to be a man
I don’t blame you ‘cause it was justified
I forgave you each and everytime you made me cry
I don’t blame you for pushing me away
I know you’ve never been loved this way
I don’t blame you
I don’t blame you
I don’t blame you

I don’t blame you because I let you do it
I don’t blame you ‘cause I pushed you to it
Everytime that you took me through it
I forgave you even though it hurt to do it
I compromised myself and my beliefs
Too many nights where I couldn’t sleep
I gave you the best of me
But what’s done is done I have nothing left in me

I don’t blame you ‘cause I understand
You never really learned how to be a man
I don’t blame you ‘cause it was justified
I forgave you each and everytime you made me cry
I don’t blame you for pushing me away
I know you’ve never been loved this way
I don’t blame you
I don’t blame you
I don’t blame you

 

Dr. Dash

Stage 2…The FIGHT

I had no self-awareness that stage two would be written so soon. But
I must submit to my minds thoughts before my mind submits to what
shouldn’t be and that’s a lack of sanity. With stage two it is my goal
to write this piece with a little more style and grace than I did in
stage one.

The fight is long and hard the fight makes you think you’re going
around in circles and ending up no where. I’m fighting the fight right
now…my mind feels corrupted with his lies…funny is he called me
last week…and the conversation seemed so pleasing to him as he
enlightens me on how one of his friends was trying to “holla at me
something vicious” but that I was in love with him…funny how guys
interpret things…I don’t believe those words ever came out of my
mouth…however the one who added pain to my heart told his friend
“no…that’s my girl”…hmmm let’s turn this into an equation…

me – him = nothingness…how does nothingness turn into “me”
equaling “his girl?” hmmm just a thought. More over why would he feel
it was appropriate to say that to me…well first to his friend and 2nd
to me. I’ve concluded that it brought him some kind of self
satisfaction that equates to his ego that he is the MAN…

I digress…once you find out about the betrayal you confront
it…confrontation or the lack there of only seeks closure. Closure
fights with love, love fights with lack, lack fights with love, love
fights with thoughts, thoughts fight with love, love fights with
memories, memories fight with more memories when all one really wants
to do is fight with him. Thinking maybe there’s something that I can
win…

The hardest part of the fight is removing yourself from the
equation. But I mean our relationship did just end on May 22…

So due to the fact that a week ago he was spending quality time with me…I can’t help that…

The heart speaks to the soul saying talk to him…talk to
him…while the mind says stay away from him you’ll never get closure
if you keep yourself immersed in the equation that brought you to where
you are to begin with…oh but it’s so hard. But the reality of the
situation is if he played with your emotions before he’ll play with
them again…if it disrespected you before he’ll disrespect you
again…well I dont’ know if I really believe that but in the fight
it’s the standard of life…if you believe it then you won’t subject
yourself to it.

I’m fighting hard to get rid of my emotions for him. I’m fighting
hard to not let what he did to me take my joy. I’m fighting hard to
keep the tears from falling from my eyes…I’m fighting hard to keep
myself busy…I’m fighting hard to not remove myself from my
surroundings by this yelling in my soul to just crawl up in a ball and
do absolutely nothing. I’m fighting hard to maintain my outlook on the
rest of the great things that are in my life. I’m fighting hard to stay
focused at work. I’m fighting hard to let God have his way in my life
and to rest assured that while i am sitting in God’s waiting room God
is teaching me lessons that I will need in the future to come.

During this stage it is easy to revert back to the stage where you
found yourself betrayed but think before you speak…become nostalgic
not on the way things were but on the way things are now…there’s no
time like the present to love yourself and protect
yourself…somethings can be avoided and allowing yourself to be sucked
back into his viciousness his uncaring unkindness…his lack of
consideration and compassion…you can avoid!

This is the stage where you take your life back…re-emerge yourself
in the things you love to do that you haven’t done in a while because
he occupied a lot of your time. Re-define your passions…Don’t condemn
yourself for it not working…what goes around comes around-so pray
that God has Mercy on him!

to be continued…