NOTE: This is the final post in this series…the first is “Getting over a process indeed” and the second is “Stage 2: the fight”
I originally thought there might be four stages to this process of getting over. But I know now, that at least for me, there are only three.
This stage has brought me so much clarity and peace. I find myself smiling when I look back on what my relationship was with this man instead of feeling sad or hurt. Or just simply emotionally bound. It is only by the grace and mercy of God that I even made it to this stage because I was definitely at my wits end from time to time.
I’d like to tell the story from my new perspective and end it with the lesson of realization.
I med this handsome man. Educated, God fearing, hard working and dedicated to the community. He kept me mentally stimulated, he made me smile, he made me laugh, he made me feel like I was on top of the world. When I looked into his eyes I could see how much he cared about me. When he looked into my eyes he told me that he knew I loved him. I felt protected by him and I’m not the type that is necessarily looking for protection in a guy…I felt secure…I felt like he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. He made sure I knew how special I was to him and I made sure he knew how special he was to me.
Something along the way changed…I’m not sure why…but I am certain that when the change struck…I knew I needed to let go. I knew I needed to move on. But I was in denial and there were times where everything seemed like it was back where it had always been with no interruptions. But if I’m honest with myself, he started to be someone I didn’t want. He started to disregard me and close me out. I started to close him out as well. I had moved myself into self preservation mode. I needed to protect my heart, but the reality of the situation was that my heart was already vulnerable to the situation. My heart could no longer be protected.
While he says I was special to him, and that he loved me and still loves me…he never loved me the way that I loved him. He was never ready for what I was ready for. I now realize how I could have seriously avoided all that I went through if I’d have backed off from him the first time I opened my mouth and said he wasn’t ready. But as human as I am…I craved his attention, I craved his wanting me, I craved his embrace…I craved the way he looked at me…I needed to be wanted and appreciated. I needed to have that companionship that a woman looks for from a man. But what I really needed is to have taken things a lot slower. I gave too much of myself too fast…and I should have simply practiced more caution. He was not then nor is he now the kind of man I wanted to believe and deem him to be.
So I realize that seasons change. I realize he was just a person that should have been a friend, but because the heart loves to love I allowed my heart to love him more than his heart allowed him to love me. The end result was him being selfish against my heart, while my heart was still being selfless towards his. I will never understand why I wasn’t enough for him…but I do understand why he wasn’t enough for me. I had to stop condemning myself for the relationship between us going wrong. I did nothing wrong. I just realize that the relationship we had is not something I can have back, it’s not something I want back…it’s not something I could have fixed…not because I didn’t want it fixed but because it wasn’t supposed to be fixed. God was letting me know that I was not supposed to be waiting on him. That I was not supposed to be giving as much of my time, energy and emotion to him, because he had never reciprocated it equally.
I realize that God has a plan for my life and had I stuck around for this particular man…I would have been selling myself short because I was only happy for a little while. As individuals we have to determine our worth and the value of our worth and hold true to it. We can not cut ourselves off from what we deserve because we, temporarily, are made to feel good. I never deserved to be disrespected and treated with disregard, but on some level I feel as though I must have allowed it. I allowed him to think he had power over me, but through the betrayal and after the fight…I’ve taken my power back…and the funny thing is he’s still hitting on me… I have forgiven him and I have peace over the situation.