Now I see.

I have truly let you go
I see the light, for the
Tunnel is bright, not
Dimly lit, it shines
Smiling on all of the
Great time we spent
The good times we
Shared…the love we
Dared.

I close my eyes and
See your image, my
Minds eye, vivid—all
That is you and I…I mean
All that was you and I
See it flash within my
Eyes—deeply I smile

I let go of the hope
To one day be your
Wife, it does not seem
That would be our
Destiny—in love I let
Go but I’ll always
Love you so—I once
Upon a time wished
You to be the one.

I once upon a time
Wished that I would
Be for you, as you to me,
I held long onto
That dream, I held
Tight for all hopes
That one day it might
Actually be.

Then reality you see
Knocked me down,
Down right to my
Knees, yelling at me
To see, with tears
In my eyes I finally
Understood why.

I need love you see.
To hear it, to feel it
To see it, to touch it
I need assurance
That our love is
True between you
And me…I needed
To hear that you loved
Me…I needed consistency
I needed you to love me.
NO. I needed you to be open
To showing me, and yes! Telling
Me, unconditionally how
Much you loved me.

Patient I was, patient I
Tried, tears weld up,
Falling from my eyes
I held on, I held on, I let go
But still I held on…hoping
Too hard, that this wasn’t our
Reality, hoping too hard
There would still be a
You and me…now knowing,
I let go…now opening my
Eyes to see…I understand.

Before reluctantly, even
Hesitantly, now with
Confidence and peace
Now with love and peace
Now understanding it
Was the past that shared
Me and you. Now I see.

 

**Thursday Poetry Rally: Week 57**

Advertisements

Distinctly Distinctable

By distinction I’m weak for
The softness the fullness
How sweetly kissable
Those lips are…

By Distinction electricity
Shocks me when magically
You kiss me

By distinction blindly
I’ll tell you just whose
Distinctly recognizable
Lips just kissed me

By Distinction your kisses
Magically arouse me
Making me feel distinctly
Things no other mans kisses
Have ever made me feel

Like Wind

With caution I hesitate
To instruct caution to you
As moving forward seems
To be an illusion, yea I think
That’s my conclusion

Grasping for emotional
Comfort, emotional release
And relief, wanting to share
My abundance while
Being cautioned to move
Slowly when emotionally
I’m not sure that’s really me

Cautioned to not feel dejected
Or rejected even emotionally
Objec-ti-fied so supplied
With caution I hesitate
To emotionally consummate
The feelings I could be
Feeling cause my caution
Cannot be gone like the wind

The ART Show

I walked into this show
it was an art show, indeed,
there was a painter starting
to paint, and his strokes
brought him to me…

as the show nears its finale
each stroke from once before
whispered, gently my name
twice more, saying take me
in, witness all that is me

This here I paint is my only
masterpiece…my art show is
just a display of what’s inside
that I’m too scared to show case

my heart is only one, can’t be
refinished or retouched once
it’s broke I can’t just simply
stand there and recreate each
stroke that makes each beat
the vibrations that live in me

NOTE: this piece was started July 25, 2008 – I was just able to finish it today

Souls’ Song

I wanna sing, but my song
is without words, I wanna sing
but the melody is no more,
I wanna sing but maybe someone
ran off with my words,

I wanna breeze through a
melody that sings a song
of you in me, sharing affections
not subjection to rejection because
your emotional constipation, got you
lacking the sincere anticipation from
the sensations that I feel…

when I allow the feelings that I feel
for your soul to sing its song
all through out my soul…
but you, do not hear! you do
not fear, you do not see
the real beauty that lives within me

open your eyes and see, the song
that lacks in you, truly does live in
me and I’ll sing it aloud, I won’t shout
it but singing it proud, I’ll allow my
soul to sing that song, I’ll allow my soul
to sing that song, all night long…I’ll sing
that song, I’ll sing that song, ’til my
souls at peace and my hearts content…

I’ll sing my soul til that songs’ no more…


Not Returned…

With my heart I am too generous
Too open, too honest, too loving
While loving too hard makes it
Obsolete, the love returned is less
than soft and incomplete

Seems so surreal that I am able to
Feel the way I feel, when in return
Slighted I am with nothingness
Nothingness leads to nothingness
Useless these feelings become
When they forever go unreturned

Ironically, symbolically you seem to
Still mean so much to me
Like I faucet I choose to turn you off
Shut you down from your main source
Of water flow because to have is to feel
And feel is to love and to love u do not

So, slighted we move forward, with
More caution than before…as being
Unable to turn off my heart for u
These feelings I will try harder to ignore
Cause in loving you no feelings of love
Are returned…

I Think

I think of you as the sun

Rises and I inhale my first

Breath, thankful to God

That we really met

 

I think of you when the

Evening comes, causing the

Sun to set, thankful for

Memories that I will never forget

 

I think of you when

I close my eyes, able to see

Reflections from gazes

We shared, thankful

For all of the things we’ll

One day dare

 

I think of you, with a

Smile upon my face,

Simply thankful for

God’s good grace

 

I think of you, even

When we’re side by side

Thankful for hope

Of this lasting forever

Lasting always…forever

Life long…more easily

Put…I think of you

 

I think of you.

Soft Sadness

As soft tears fall from my eyes
I realize that it comes as no surpise
it’s never been a reality, just a dream
serene it streams from one scene
to the next, I don’t understand why
things end up so perplexed, but an
ending from a beginning is always
what flashes next, like a fantasy
that never makes realality…I’ll always
remember the sweet thoughts you had
of me…
As a door closes another window opens
the sadness that exist, I’ll blow away with
a prayerful wish, that next time, there will
actually be time…spent not just on what could
be but what will become actuality…
Desires to be courted the old fashioned way
by a man who knows there’s time and
can see what he’s in store for…genuine
and pure, who wants love that’s secure
I hold on to not just a fantasy, but my
one day, future, reality

Blessings in Disguise?

I just got done reading the most current blog post of a good friend of mine…and WOW women across the board seem to be having the same types of issues when it comes to males. I find it all to be so disheartening. And many kudos to the men out there that, for a lack of another way of putting it, “keep it REAL.”

I’ve recently been surrounded by a few women who have been so badly heart by the men they allowed to enter into their lives and that they allowed themselves to be emotionally bound to or maybe vulnerable to…I believe that is of course for a reason and maybe that reason is so that we can learn from one another’s coping methods.

I refuse to be a scorned woman…I refuse to hate the man that I allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable to because it didn’t work out. He’s truly a good person, he just made some not so great choices in dealing with our “Friend-lationship.”

I’ve been commended by a few on how I have dealt with it all and by my choosing to remain really good friends with him. But you know the good book says to forgive and to forgive quickly…I by no means hate him…I want for him to be abundantly happy, actually. As women and men we can’t harbor ill feelings for what someone in a past relationship may or may not have done to you because it keeps you from moving on. When you fail to forgive you are only holding yourself hostage. And sorry to say that just is no good!

Women out there if you’ve been hurt count it all joy it may just have been your blessing in disguise…or maybe you were just supposed to be friends with that person and nothing more…All in all don’t beat yourself up over it or hold him in contempt for any decisions he made that had an ill effect on you…it’s not worth it.

His Master Piece

it’s the deepness of his brown
the smile that draws you in,
sista, I tell you, this art work
just welcomes, even sucks
you in…

it’s the structure of his stature
the definition that sets the tone
his strength never stops
turning me on

it’s the fullness of his lips
that creates the silkiness in
my lower hips, I’m feigning him
like he’s my drug and I’m his addict

it’s the look in his eyes, when that
dark brown meets with mine,
the pureness of his soul, I see,
every time he’s looking back at me

it’s the real beauty he holds
and carries so bold, his swagger
is something sexy that words
can’t explain, when it sets in
and warms me, I’m never cold

it’s the art work of him
that creates this priceless
master piece, that all of
me recognizes him to be…

His Sexy Appeal…

From the bottom to the top
there is not one spot of him
that doesn’t make me hot

I get weak in the knees
when he breathes me in
I inhale his ectasy
when he’s near me

His strong arms pull
me in and he holds me close
he sleeps so somberly
while he intentionally holds me

when he caresses my skin
his every touch fills me with
love not lust, as I watch
him I simply take a mental
memory of him with me

From the fullness of his lips
to the definitions of his arms
from that sexy pelvic V, I know
his body is calling out to me

When he smiles, I smile
with nothing but astounding joy
if I could hold on forever
I would never let him go
he and I would be together
loving one another until
the end of forever…

Who is this Man?

it is with unmerited favor
that he declares this hold on me
he decided he could not, and that
I could be subsided and now
he angrily tells me that I look
thirsty…his anger builds because
I won’t yield…his jealousy
rises because I look for another
but he’s already got his own
it seems to me as though he believes
because we decided to be friends
that that means I wait in the wings
for him to decide that he again
wants me…the absurdity that brings
is surely something, when friends
are supposed, to be- just and happy…
but i guess it should be that
I remain lonely because
he thinks he wants me

as if all he’s done can be undone
and the trust I once had will
reappear…oh what a pity
is all I hear…this whole
situation is just so unclear
is all my mind can hear…

Stage 3…Realization

NOTE: This is the final post in this series…the first is “Getting over a process indeed” and the second is “Stage 2: the fight”

I originally thought there might be four stages to this process of getting over. But I know now, that at least for me, there are only three.

This stage has brought me so much clarity and peace. I find myself smiling when I look back on what my relationship was with this man instead of feeling sad or hurt. Or just simply emotionally bound. It is only by the grace and mercy of God that I even made it to this stage because I was definitely at my wits end from time to time.

I’d like to tell the story from my new perspective and end it with the lesson of realization.

I med this handsome man. Educated, God fearing, hard working and dedicated to the community. He kept me mentally stimulated, he made me smile, he made me laugh, he made me feel like I was on top of the world. When I looked into his eyes I could see how much he cared about me. When he looked into my eyes he told me that he knew I loved him. I felt protected by him and I’m not the type that is necessarily looking for protection in a guy…I felt secure…I felt like he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. He made sure I knew how special I was to him and I made sure he knew how special he was to me.

Something along the way changed…I’m not sure why…but I am certain that when the change struck…I knew I needed to let go. I knew I needed to move on. But I was in denial and there were times where everything seemed like it was back where it had always been with no interruptions. But if I’m honest with myself, he started to be someone I didn’t want. He started to disregard me and close me out. I started to close him out as well. I had moved myself into self preservation mode. I needed to protect my heart, but the reality of the situation was that my heart was already vulnerable to the situation. My heart could no longer be protected.

While he says I was special to him, and that he loved me and still loves me…he never loved me the way that I loved him. He was never ready for what I was ready for. I now realize how I could have seriously avoided all that I went through if I’d have backed off from him the first time I opened my mouth and said he wasn’t ready. But as human as I am…I craved his attention, I craved his wanting me, I craved his embrace…I craved the way he looked at me…I needed to be wanted and appreciated. I needed to have that companionship that a woman looks for from a man. But what I really needed is to have taken things a lot slower. I gave too much of myself too fast…and I should have simply practiced more caution. He was not then nor is he now the kind of man I wanted to believe and deem him to be.

So I realize that seasons change. I realize he was just a person that should have been a friend, but because the heart loves to love I allowed my heart to love him more than his heart allowed him to love me. The end result was him being selfish against my heart, while my heart was still being selfless towards his. I will never understand why I wasn’t enough for him…but I do understand why he wasn’t enough for me. I had to stop condemning myself for the relationship between us going wrong. I did nothing wrong. I just realize that the relationship we had is not something I can have back, it’s not something I want back…it’s not something I could have fixed…not because I didn’t want it fixed but because it wasn’t supposed to be fixed. God was letting me know that I was not supposed to be waiting on him. That I was not supposed to be giving as much of my time, energy and emotion to him, because he had never reciprocated it equally.

I realize that God has a plan for my life and had I stuck around for this particular man…I would have been selling myself short because I was only happy for a little while. As individuals we have to determine our worth and the value of our worth and hold true to it. We can not cut ourselves off from what we deserve because we, temporarily, are made to feel good. I never deserved to be disrespected and treated with disregard, but on some level I feel as though I must have allowed it. I allowed him to think he had power over me, but through the betrayal and after the fight…I’ve taken my power back…and the funny thing is he’s still hitting on me… I have forgiven him and I have peace over the situation.

Stage 2…Continued

…I think I am transitioning into stage 3 right now. I believe this stage to be equatable to Realization…I’m still in dialogue with him as I still have things to say. Things are being expressed clearer now on both his part and mine. And as I make my transition from stage 2 “The Fight” into stage 3 I have learned a lot…I feel as though I have talked and talked about this situation so much that it is now falling on deaf ears so I write…

Stage two is really hard. The other day I wanted to call one of my girls but I didn’t because how I was feeling–while she would have been sympathetic to it. Afterwards she would have become the teacher and that wasn’t what I needed at the time. So I ended up talking to my BFF…(male) and the thing the said to me that stuck out the most and that has been replaying in my head is…

“Think of it as a positive [being single]. Maybe if you were to meet your king right now, when neither of you are ready for each other…you or him would screw it up.”

That put a new light on things because it makes absolute sense.

More to come in Stage 3…

Stage 2…The FIGHT

I had no self-awareness that stage two would be written so soon. But
I must submit to my minds thoughts before my mind submits to what
shouldn’t be and that’s a lack of sanity. With stage two it is my goal
to write this piece with a little more style and grace than I did in
stage one.

The fight is long and hard the fight makes you think you’re going
around in circles and ending up no where. I’m fighting the fight right
now…my mind feels corrupted with his lies…funny is he called me
last week…and the conversation seemed so pleasing to him as he
enlightens me on how one of his friends was trying to “holla at me
something vicious” but that I was in love with him…funny how guys
interpret things…I don’t believe those words ever came out of my
mouth…however the one who added pain to my heart told his friend
“no…that’s my girl”…hmmm let’s turn this into an equation…

me – him = nothingness…how does nothingness turn into “me”
equaling “his girl?” hmmm just a thought. More over why would he feel
it was appropriate to say that to me…well first to his friend and 2nd
to me. I’ve concluded that it brought him some kind of self
satisfaction that equates to his ego that he is the MAN…

I digress…once you find out about the betrayal you confront
it…confrontation or the lack there of only seeks closure. Closure
fights with love, love fights with lack, lack fights with love, love
fights with thoughts, thoughts fight with love, love fights with
memories, memories fight with more memories when all one really wants
to do is fight with him. Thinking maybe there’s something that I can
win…

The hardest part of the fight is removing yourself from the
equation. But I mean our relationship did just end on May 22…

So due to the fact that a week ago he was spending quality time with me…I can’t help that…

The heart speaks to the soul saying talk to him…talk to
him…while the mind says stay away from him you’ll never get closure
if you keep yourself immersed in the equation that brought you to where
you are to begin with…oh but it’s so hard. But the reality of the
situation is if he played with your emotions before he’ll play with
them again…if it disrespected you before he’ll disrespect you
again…well I dont’ know if I really believe that but in the fight
it’s the standard of life…if you believe it then you won’t subject
yourself to it.

I’m fighting hard to get rid of my emotions for him. I’m fighting
hard to not let what he did to me take my joy. I’m fighting hard to
keep the tears from falling from my eyes…I’m fighting hard to keep
myself busy…I’m fighting hard to not remove myself from my
surroundings by this yelling in my soul to just crawl up in a ball and
do absolutely nothing. I’m fighting hard to maintain my outlook on the
rest of the great things that are in my life. I’m fighting hard to stay
focused at work. I’m fighting hard to let God have his way in my life
and to rest assured that while i am sitting in God’s waiting room God
is teaching me lessons that I will need in the future to come.

During this stage it is easy to revert back to the stage where you
found yourself betrayed but think before you speak…become nostalgic
not on the way things were but on the way things are now…there’s no
time like the present to love yourself and protect
yourself…somethings can be avoided and allowing yourself to be sucked
back into his viciousness his uncaring unkindness…his lack of
consideration and compassion…you can avoid!

This is the stage where you take your life back…re-emerge yourself
in the things you love to do that you haven’t done in a while because
he occupied a lot of your time. Re-define your passions…Don’t condemn
yourself for it not working…what goes around comes around-so pray
that God has Mercy on him!

to be continued…