An Illusion of Confusion

Confusion, please let this just be an illusion
but reality brings to me with sincerity, not
clarity that what I see and what I feel is so
real…unimagined, unaware, what is it that
makes you have to be so…

Lacking, sent packing and all so you could
feel that what you’ve lost is just a thought
moved forward without finishing what
you started, before, and now you can’t ignore

It’s yesterdays past, but so strongly today’s
present and on the past I wrote to you
a dear John letter that I thought would
bring light and make things bright
but the subject matter so tattered and
old it seems even more now so bold

because the things I share are not things
untold but things you’ve made my reality
when you made it a point to disappoint
yourself and more over me

I’m glad you see, & to not be she
as I know I don’t have to compete
with uncertainty to this confusion that’s
really not just an illusion
but an intrusion on my minds eye

for the heart never lies
and what was thought to be
an illusion is just your
confusion over chosen what’s
really all just…simply put
a bold faced illusion

for you needed a conclusion…

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Stage 2…The FIGHT

I had no self-awareness that stage two would be written so soon. But
I must submit to my minds thoughts before my mind submits to what
shouldn’t be and that’s a lack of sanity. With stage two it is my goal
to write this piece with a little more style and grace than I did in
stage one.

The fight is long and hard the fight makes you think you’re going
around in circles and ending up no where. I’m fighting the fight right
now…my mind feels corrupted with his lies…funny is he called me
last week…and the conversation seemed so pleasing to him as he
enlightens me on how one of his friends was trying to “holla at me
something vicious” but that I was in love with him…funny how guys
interpret things…I don’t believe those words ever came out of my
mouth…however the one who added pain to my heart told his friend
“no…that’s my girl”…hmmm let’s turn this into an equation…

me – him = nothingness…how does nothingness turn into “me”
equaling “his girl?” hmmm just a thought. More over why would he feel
it was appropriate to say that to me…well first to his friend and 2nd
to me. I’ve concluded that it brought him some kind of self
satisfaction that equates to his ego that he is the MAN…

I digress…once you find out about the betrayal you confront
it…confrontation or the lack there of only seeks closure. Closure
fights with love, love fights with lack, lack fights with love, love
fights with thoughts, thoughts fight with love, love fights with
memories, memories fight with more memories when all one really wants
to do is fight with him. Thinking maybe there’s something that I can
win…

The hardest part of the fight is removing yourself from the
equation. But I mean our relationship did just end on May 22…

So due to the fact that a week ago he was spending quality time with me…I can’t help that…

The heart speaks to the soul saying talk to him…talk to
him…while the mind says stay away from him you’ll never get closure
if you keep yourself immersed in the equation that brought you to where
you are to begin with…oh but it’s so hard. But the reality of the
situation is if he played with your emotions before he’ll play with
them again…if it disrespected you before he’ll disrespect you
again…well I dont’ know if I really believe that but in the fight
it’s the standard of life…if you believe it then you won’t subject
yourself to it.

I’m fighting hard to get rid of my emotions for him. I’m fighting
hard to not let what he did to me take my joy. I’m fighting hard to
keep the tears from falling from my eyes…I’m fighting hard to keep
myself busy…I’m fighting hard to not remove myself from my
surroundings by this yelling in my soul to just crawl up in a ball and
do absolutely nothing. I’m fighting hard to maintain my outlook on the
rest of the great things that are in my life. I’m fighting hard to stay
focused at work. I’m fighting hard to let God have his way in my life
and to rest assured that while i am sitting in God’s waiting room God
is teaching me lessons that I will need in the future to come.

During this stage it is easy to revert back to the stage where you
found yourself betrayed but think before you speak…become nostalgic
not on the way things were but on the way things are now…there’s no
time like the present to love yourself and protect
yourself…somethings can be avoided and allowing yourself to be sucked
back into his viciousness his uncaring unkindness…his lack of
consideration and compassion…you can avoid!

This is the stage where you take your life back…re-emerge yourself
in the things you love to do that you haven’t done in a while because
he occupied a lot of your time. Re-define your passions…Don’t condemn
yourself for it not working…what goes around comes around-so pray
that God has Mercy on him!

to be continued…