Friends (Week 38 Thursday Rally)

I miss my friends
the great times, the good
times, the laughs, the cries
discoveries of social clubs
personified by each one
different persons life

I miss my friends, through
songs sung and rhymes
put with rhythms, creating
hooks, blazing versus
naming Phoreses Fields-
BLACK

I miss my firneds
sharing coconuts, tripping
off this matrix called life
while few enjoy the
fat joys that pizza brings

I miss my friends
toppings of our
talents, we leave
behind, as we
build monuments
touching hearts
showing mankind
we are PASSIONATE…

I miss my friends.

Beautifully more Better

Priceless, are the things
I feel when I amiably
just let love spill
Just when I thought the
feelings had ceased to
exist I begin to feel
them again on this day
of love…

Friendship, more important
then we ever understand
but friendship makes love
commit, accountable
when wronged Friend-
ship brought love…

Relationships, progress
with time, and love grows
making everything better
because love is love…

—————-
Now playing: Raheem DeVaughn – Mo Better
via FoxyTunes

Like Wind

With caution I hesitate
To instruct caution to you
As moving forward seems
To be an illusion, yea I think
That’s my conclusion

Grasping for emotional
Comfort, emotional release
And relief, wanting to share
My abundance while
Being cautioned to move
Slowly when emotionally
I’m not sure that’s really me

Cautioned to not feel dejected
Or rejected even emotionally
Objec-ti-fied so supplied
With caution I hesitate
To emotionally consummate
The feelings I could be
Feeling cause my caution
Cannot be gone like the wind

Impartial

Impartially I see you to be
all that is partial to me
I can’t believe your blind
to see all that’s wonderful
within me

Figuratively you abandon
me for what you think to
be something more than
what your eyes do really see

I impose on thee a true
chance to see more than
what I propose there to be

Consequently I surrendered
my wall, simply because your
masculinity captivated energies
that live deep within me,
uncontrollably I allowed you
to see more of me than what
you may have deserved there
to be

Lost we die…

Conclusions of disillusions painting
Pictures of confusion of you ever
Wanting me…but decisions show
Precision in precisely how wisely
I should be dealing with the cards
Dealt directly to me…

Detachment from attachment
Strong ties I thought once bound
Would never unbind, but deceivingly
I now see from where before I blindly
Had no one there holding my
Hand or guiding me…

Towards the light that inevitably
Was there to shine upon me a victory
That was unforeseen as your love
Has fallen short in never capturing me
Though time we cannot rewind
My wonders of what could have
Been have seemingly dissipated
Into what is wasted and left for
Dead…but inside I don’t cry or hide

Behind what’s unreal…secure in
My emotions I move forward stepping
Ahead not following behind where
Lessons unlearned in our lives simply
Are left to die…

Not Returned…

With my heart I am too generous
Too open, too honest, too loving
While loving too hard makes it
Obsolete, the love returned is less
than soft and incomplete

Seems so surreal that I am able to
Feel the way I feel, when in return
Slighted I am with nothingness
Nothingness leads to nothingness
Useless these feelings become
When they forever go unreturned

Ironically, symbolically you seem to
Still mean so much to me
Like I faucet I choose to turn you off
Shut you down from your main source
Of water flow because to have is to feel
And feel is to love and to love u do not

So, slighted we move forward, with
More caution than before…as being
Unable to turn off my heart for u
These feelings I will try harder to ignore
Cause in loving you no feelings of love
Are returned…

I Think

I think of you as the sun

Rises and I inhale my first

Breath, thankful to God

That we really met

 

I think of you when the

Evening comes, causing the

Sun to set, thankful for

Memories that I will never forget

 

I think of you when

I close my eyes, able to see

Reflections from gazes

We shared, thankful

For all of the things we’ll

One day dare

 

I think of you, with a

Smile upon my face,

Simply thankful for

God’s good grace

 

I think of you, even

When we’re side by side

Thankful for hope

Of this lasting forever

Lasting always…forever

Life long…more easily

Put…I think of you

 

I think of you.

Simply Solidify to Amplify

Solidify, amplify – lose control
and showme your soul
not face value, but whole
pure, 100% true, show me
all that equals you
Solidify, petrify – maybe, create a mix
amalgamate, blend, mix and merge
like alloy – metals combined to incorporate
only, when we mingle and mix it will be
like a dulce de leche hershey’s
dark chocolate covered kiss
Solidify, don’t hit and miss
consolidate, unite, make a combination
that drives you crazy, not mentally deranged
or strange, but crazy, silly, a little unglued
maybe even unhinged and senseless
for too many useful senses that blend
are simply and solidly making you crazy
Just solidify – tha tplace with in
and maybe our hearts will combine
to join in…strong, together, integrated
by energy that no one
can keep from the win
simply solidify to amplify
whats happening within

E.X.H.A.L.E

as i think i remember to – E,
i mean how do u forget – X,
am i biting my lip? hmm – H,
wow, was that really it?? – A,
yes, i must say, real soft – L,
i am sure it was just rite – E,
oh, pleeeaaasse, remember to breathe!
after, u inhale, and realize
its ur breath thats held
please, remember that u…must!
E-X- H-A-L-E – yes, exhale!
not to impose that u dont feel ill-composed
by that moment that just transposed
maybe a lil juxtaposed, even bare and exposed
just after u inhale and remember
its your breath thats held,
simply dont forget to later
realize with regret that u forgot,
in that moment to E-X-H-A-L-E-
YES, EXHALE
oh, yes i do, dare to continue to share
as a memory traces back, surely with out fright
as she enjoyed that moment,
oh so right until she inhaled
and it was simply her breath, she held
all becuz she suddenly forgot
with a second of thoughts that
she too needs to E-X-H-A-L-E-
YES EXHALE

Floating like a Feather

Floating on a cloud this morning,
Light as a feather, bright as the days new sun…
Drifting away in self ecstasy-the pleasure is all me
 
Maybe like an after-shock the gentle kiss
On the cheek is just now affecting me
Maybe his soft caresses on my arm
Or him holding me just right – not too tight
Making me feel warm
 
Floating on a cloud this morning
Light as a feather, bright as the days new sun…
Crazy how this energy connection just begun
Still drifting away in self ecstasy as the pleasure
Is definitely all me
 
Maybe my smiles are letting go
Feeling loose able to be free from
All the others that tried to make a captive of me
Maybe it’s due to his words being so sweet
Or how open he is with me
Maybe it’s just because he is…he
 
Floating on a cloud this morning, light as a feather
Bright as the days new sun
This afternoon brings hours closer to closure
Where drifting away in self ecstasy
Will no longer just be a pleasure all for me

It’s Definitely HIM…

Is it you I see, when I close my eyes?
Is it you that’s there by Gods surprise?
is it you that i’ve loved, before we even met?
Tell me that it’s you I’ll grow old with
once our eyes have met
I love you and I don’t even know who you are yet
I close my eyes, and all i can see
is the happiness and joys
you’ll one day bring to me
and me the same to you
Our souls connected as we’re spiritually interwined
and united by God’s light that led us down
the paths that we followed
to find one another
free at last from a fate unknown
becasue as Gods arms opened
and showed me love,
I saw you my soul mate,
my best friend, my man, my ture love
MY COMPANION
On this day, I say to you
with true appreciation, adoration
and all my love, ’til death do us part
I’ll forever be your Queen and you my King
Til we meet on that day of fate, my love
for you, I will joyfully wait…

Talking

I feel like being expressive today so I write. I really have come a long ways since my last post. What’s amazing is that this dialog is still, yes, regarding him. However, this entry is on a whole other note than the previous. Since my last post he has owned up to his actions and has taken accountability and admitting things that I never thought he’d admit. Which actually restored the respect that I initially held for him. I believe myself to be a good judge of character, but I started to doubt my judgment or assessment of who he was when he faltered in who I knew him to be.

After his initial apology I was still very guarded and on the defense and my behavior to him was what he deemed as mean. I don’t think I was aware of that and had he not said it to me I would have continued to treat him in that manner. However, he said it was strange to him because he only knows how to be with me one way…and that is likewise for myself but I guess on a subconscious level I was upset with him.
I don’t think anyone could ever understand the nature of our relationship…which is fine by me…but this guy was my best friend…all of my friends say they don’t understand why I even associate with him. That I should remove him from all facets of my life. But I am so unable to do that. While I will always love him…he has a special place in my heart, I am not in love with him anymore. We were friends before we were romantically involved and something is holding me to maintaining a friendship with him. I mean he knows me and understands me and doesn’t pass judgments on me. He knows how to just listen when I need to talk…I trust him on a friendship level more than I’ve ever trusted anyone before in my life. Undoubtedly the reason I allowed myself to fall for him so hard. I digress…we are still friends, we will always be friends.

I needed a friend the other day and he was that friend for me. I didn’t even have to say something was wrong he knew and he asked me did I need to talk. I said I didn’t know if I needed to talk and there the conversation began. He listened to me talk for 3 hours and comforted my soul in all my life worries. Which, mind you are not many, but the few that exist are kind of major. He prayed for me I prayed for him. We shared our concerns with one another and it was purely on a friendship level. On some level I’d like to appease my friends and say that he is no longer a part of my life. But if I’m going to be real with myself, which may be absurd to many…he is still my best friend…sometimes I’m not sure if that even makes sense but after being the kind of friends we’ve been to each other for the period of time that we have…how do you transition and just completely cut that kind of friend out of your life?

It may be possible for some but it is not possible for me. However, I do attempt in keeping some kind of distance between us…but it’s more so because of what other people say not what I believe…

Stage 3…Realization

NOTE: This is the final post in this series…the first is “Getting over a process indeed” and the second is “Stage 2: the fight”

I originally thought there might be four stages to this process of getting over. But I know now, that at least for me, there are only three.

This stage has brought me so much clarity and peace. I find myself smiling when I look back on what my relationship was with this man instead of feeling sad or hurt. Or just simply emotionally bound. It is only by the grace and mercy of God that I even made it to this stage because I was definitely at my wits end from time to time.

I’d like to tell the story from my new perspective and end it with the lesson of realization.

I med this handsome man. Educated, God fearing, hard working and dedicated to the community. He kept me mentally stimulated, he made me smile, he made me laugh, he made me feel like I was on top of the world. When I looked into his eyes I could see how much he cared about me. When he looked into my eyes he told me that he knew I loved him. I felt protected by him and I’m not the type that is necessarily looking for protection in a guy…I felt secure…I felt like he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. He made sure I knew how special I was to him and I made sure he knew how special he was to me.

Something along the way changed…I’m not sure why…but I am certain that when the change struck…I knew I needed to let go. I knew I needed to move on. But I was in denial and there were times where everything seemed like it was back where it had always been with no interruptions. But if I’m honest with myself, he started to be someone I didn’t want. He started to disregard me and close me out. I started to close him out as well. I had moved myself into self preservation mode. I needed to protect my heart, but the reality of the situation was that my heart was already vulnerable to the situation. My heart could no longer be protected.

While he says I was special to him, and that he loved me and still loves me…he never loved me the way that I loved him. He was never ready for what I was ready for. I now realize how I could have seriously avoided all that I went through if I’d have backed off from him the first time I opened my mouth and said he wasn’t ready. But as human as I am…I craved his attention, I craved his wanting me, I craved his embrace…I craved the way he looked at me…I needed to be wanted and appreciated. I needed to have that companionship that a woman looks for from a man. But what I really needed is to have taken things a lot slower. I gave too much of myself too fast…and I should have simply practiced more caution. He was not then nor is he now the kind of man I wanted to believe and deem him to be.

So I realize that seasons change. I realize he was just a person that should have been a friend, but because the heart loves to love I allowed my heart to love him more than his heart allowed him to love me. The end result was him being selfish against my heart, while my heart was still being selfless towards his. I will never understand why I wasn’t enough for him…but I do understand why he wasn’t enough for me. I had to stop condemning myself for the relationship between us going wrong. I did nothing wrong. I just realize that the relationship we had is not something I can have back, it’s not something I want back…it’s not something I could have fixed…not because I didn’t want it fixed but because it wasn’t supposed to be fixed. God was letting me know that I was not supposed to be waiting on him. That I was not supposed to be giving as much of my time, energy and emotion to him, because he had never reciprocated it equally.

I realize that God has a plan for my life and had I stuck around for this particular man…I would have been selling myself short because I was only happy for a little while. As individuals we have to determine our worth and the value of our worth and hold true to it. We can not cut ourselves off from what we deserve because we, temporarily, are made to feel good. I never deserved to be disrespected and treated with disregard, but on some level I feel as though I must have allowed it. I allowed him to think he had power over me, but through the betrayal and after the fight…I’ve taken my power back…and the funny thing is he’s still hitting on me… I have forgiven him and I have peace over the situation.