Like Wind

With caution I hesitate
To instruct caution to you
As moving forward seems
To be an illusion, yea I think
That’s my conclusion

Grasping for emotional
Comfort, emotional release
And relief, wanting to share
My abundance while
Being cautioned to move
Slowly when emotionally
I’m not sure that’s really me

Cautioned to not feel dejected
Or rejected even emotionally
Objec-ti-fied so supplied
With caution I hesitate
To emotionally consummate
The feelings I could be
Feeling cause my caution
Cannot be gone like the wind

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Impartial

Impartially I see you to be
all that is partial to me
I can’t believe your blind
to see all that’s wonderful
within me

Figuratively you abandon
me for what you think to
be something more than
what your eyes do really see

I impose on thee a true
chance to see more than
what I propose there to be

Consequently I surrendered
my wall, simply because your
masculinity captivated energies
that live deep within me,
uncontrollably I allowed you
to see more of me than what
you may have deserved there
to be

CoOl Wit Me

Betrayed again, but what was my sin?
Cast aside without that grin wide
turned upside down my face you
see not just my frown, silly you be
more than a big red nosed clown

But fight I might, not do this time
for why even waste what’s more
precious than a worthless dime

Shinny at first, tarnished it didn’t
last, to think I didn’t even make
note to take out the trash

So stank is now, as everyone
who sees is clear, still ask how
did this happen my dear?
Answers unknown, questions
sewn wrong but now I see
clearly, how vividly, your words
with lax of acts have screamed
to me, I just couldn’t see
you no longer wanted to be

and…That’s COOL wit me!

Lost we die…

Conclusions of disillusions painting
Pictures of confusion of you ever
Wanting me…but decisions show
Precision in precisely how wisely
I should be dealing with the cards
Dealt directly to me…

Detachment from attachment
Strong ties I thought once bound
Would never unbind, but deceivingly
I now see from where before I blindly
Had no one there holding my
Hand or guiding me…

Towards the light that inevitably
Was there to shine upon me a victory
That was unforeseen as your love
Has fallen short in never capturing me
Though time we cannot rewind
My wonders of what could have
Been have seemingly dissipated
Into what is wasted and left for
Dead…but inside I don’t cry or hide

Behind what’s unreal…secure in
My emotions I move forward stepping
Ahead not following behind where
Lessons unlearned in our lives simply
Are left to die…

Not Returned…

With my heart I am too generous
Too open, too honest, too loving
While loving too hard makes it
Obsolete, the love returned is less
than soft and incomplete

Seems so surreal that I am able to
Feel the way I feel, when in return
Slighted I am with nothingness
Nothingness leads to nothingness
Useless these feelings become
When they forever go unreturned

Ironically, symbolically you seem to
Still mean so much to me
Like I faucet I choose to turn you off
Shut you down from your main source
Of water flow because to have is to feel
And feel is to love and to love u do not

So, slighted we move forward, with
More caution than before…as being
Unable to turn off my heart for u
These feelings I will try harder to ignore
Cause in loving you no feelings of love
Are returned…

Soft Sadness

As soft tears fall from my eyes
I realize that it comes as no surpise
it’s never been a reality, just a dream
serene it streams from one scene
to the next, I don’t understand why
things end up so perplexed, but an
ending from a beginning is always
what flashes next, like a fantasy
that never makes realality…I’ll always
remember the sweet thoughts you had
of me…
As a door closes another window opens
the sadness that exist, I’ll blow away with
a prayerful wish, that next time, there will
actually be time…spent not just on what could
be but what will become actuality…
Desires to be courted the old fashioned way
by a man who knows there’s time and
can see what he’s in store for…genuine
and pure, who wants love that’s secure
I hold on to not just a fantasy, but my
one day, future, reality

A Simple Complexity? or a Complex Simplicity?

“It should all be so simple…but you’d rather make it hard…it’s like a battle, and we both end up with scars…” (if you don’t recognize those words…think The MisEducation of Lauren Hill). That tune is so more than appropriate right now in my life.

Drama, is it a simple complexity? or a complex simplicity? What do you do with it? where do you put it? how do you get away from it? When does it all just cease to exist and completely leave you alone…? I think never. It dies down but the effects of it seemingly linger and grab a hold of whatever is found loose in its path.

Today I am to a point where there is no more effort on my part. There is no more concern…I simply don’t care. You reap what you sow, and if the seed you are sowing is bad seed, in return you will get bad seed.

In current society it is so hard for people to own up to how their own actions have caused what exist around them. A good friend said to me…”you only know about it cuz you’re being told about it…if you remove that part of the equation, you won’t even have to hear about it…” sounds so simple, right?

I don’t know if that’s right or not…I don’t know what to believe about anything. More story has been shed to me and nothing is adding up…I have my own speculations now of what is going on and for the sake of drama going away I am going to keep them to myself. But someone is really all up in my business and I’d like them to kindly see their way out…

An Illusion of Confusion

Confusion, please let this just be an illusion
but reality brings to me with sincerity, not
clarity that what I see and what I feel is so
real…unimagined, unaware, what is it that
makes you have to be so…

Lacking, sent packing and all so you could
feel that what you’ve lost is just a thought
moved forward without finishing what
you started, before, and now you can’t ignore

It’s yesterdays past, but so strongly today’s
present and on the past I wrote to you
a dear John letter that I thought would
bring light and make things bright
but the subject matter so tattered and
old it seems even more now so bold

because the things I share are not things
untold but things you’ve made my reality
when you made it a point to disappoint
yourself and more over me

I’m glad you see, & to not be she
as I know I don’t have to compete
with uncertainty to this confusion that’s
really not just an illusion
but an intrusion on my minds eye

for the heart never lies
and what was thought to be
an illusion is just your
confusion over chosen what’s
really all just…simply put
a bold faced illusion

for you needed a conclusion…

Who is this Man?

it is with unmerited favor
that he declares this hold on me
he decided he could not, and that
I could be subsided and now
he angrily tells me that I look
thirsty…his anger builds because
I won’t yield…his jealousy
rises because I look for another
but he’s already got his own
it seems to me as though he believes
because we decided to be friends
that that means I wait in the wings
for him to decide that he again
wants me…the absurdity that brings
is surely something, when friends
are supposed, to be- just and happy…
but i guess it should be that
I remain lonely because
he thinks he wants me

as if all he’s done can be undone
and the trust I once had will
reappear…oh what a pity
is all I hear…this whole
situation is just so unclear
is all my mind can hear…

Stage 2…Continued

…I think I am transitioning into stage 3 right now. I believe this stage to be equatable to Realization…I’m still in dialogue with him as I still have things to say. Things are being expressed clearer now on both his part and mine. And as I make my transition from stage 2 “The Fight” into stage 3 I have learned a lot…I feel as though I have talked and talked about this situation so much that it is now falling on deaf ears so I write…

Stage two is really hard. The other day I wanted to call one of my girls but I didn’t because how I was feeling–while she would have been sympathetic to it. Afterwards she would have become the teacher and that wasn’t what I needed at the time. So I ended up talking to my BFF…(male) and the thing the said to me that stuck out the most and that has been replaying in my head is…

“Think of it as a positive [being single]. Maybe if you were to meet your king right now, when neither of you are ready for each other…you or him would screw it up.”

That put a new light on things because it makes absolute sense.

More to come in Stage 3…

Stage 2…The FIGHT

I had no self-awareness that stage two would be written so soon. But
I must submit to my minds thoughts before my mind submits to what
shouldn’t be and that’s a lack of sanity. With stage two it is my goal
to write this piece with a little more style and grace than I did in
stage one.

The fight is long and hard the fight makes you think you’re going
around in circles and ending up no where. I’m fighting the fight right
now…my mind feels corrupted with his lies…funny is he called me
last week…and the conversation seemed so pleasing to him as he
enlightens me on how one of his friends was trying to “holla at me
something vicious” but that I was in love with him…funny how guys
interpret things…I don’t believe those words ever came out of my
mouth…however the one who added pain to my heart told his friend
“no…that’s my girl”…hmmm let’s turn this into an equation…

me – him = nothingness…how does nothingness turn into “me”
equaling “his girl?” hmmm just a thought. More over why would he feel
it was appropriate to say that to me…well first to his friend and 2nd
to me. I’ve concluded that it brought him some kind of self
satisfaction that equates to his ego that he is the MAN…

I digress…once you find out about the betrayal you confront
it…confrontation or the lack there of only seeks closure. Closure
fights with love, love fights with lack, lack fights with love, love
fights with thoughts, thoughts fight with love, love fights with
memories, memories fight with more memories when all one really wants
to do is fight with him. Thinking maybe there’s something that I can
win…

The hardest part of the fight is removing yourself from the
equation. But I mean our relationship did just end on May 22…

So due to the fact that a week ago he was spending quality time with me…I can’t help that…

The heart speaks to the soul saying talk to him…talk to
him…while the mind says stay away from him you’ll never get closure
if you keep yourself immersed in the equation that brought you to where
you are to begin with…oh but it’s so hard. But the reality of the
situation is if he played with your emotions before he’ll play with
them again…if it disrespected you before he’ll disrespect you
again…well I dont’ know if I really believe that but in the fight
it’s the standard of life…if you believe it then you won’t subject
yourself to it.

I’m fighting hard to get rid of my emotions for him. I’m fighting
hard to not let what he did to me take my joy. I’m fighting hard to
keep the tears from falling from my eyes…I’m fighting hard to keep
myself busy…I’m fighting hard to not remove myself from my
surroundings by this yelling in my soul to just crawl up in a ball and
do absolutely nothing. I’m fighting hard to maintain my outlook on the
rest of the great things that are in my life. I’m fighting hard to stay
focused at work. I’m fighting hard to let God have his way in my life
and to rest assured that while i am sitting in God’s waiting room God
is teaching me lessons that I will need in the future to come.

During this stage it is easy to revert back to the stage where you
found yourself betrayed but think before you speak…become nostalgic
not on the way things were but on the way things are now…there’s no
time like the present to love yourself and protect
yourself…somethings can be avoided and allowing yourself to be sucked
back into his viciousness his uncaring unkindness…his lack of
consideration and compassion…you can avoid!

This is the stage where you take your life back…re-emerge yourself
in the things you love to do that you haven’t done in a while because
he occupied a lot of your time. Re-define your passions…Don’t condemn
yourself for it not working…what goes around comes around-so pray
that God has Mercy on him!

to be continued…

Getting Over…A PROCESS indeed…

It’s a new month…a new day and a different time. I’m stuck in the process of “getting over” someone and I am, for some reason, wanting to document this process.

I’ve never fell so hard for a man, like I did for this one. The way things started off, I would have bet money that he was the ONE. He painted me this picture that now seems to have been a facade on my part but while I was living it–it was so real. This man dated me, courted me, cherished me…well maybe not really–but it sure seemed that way. He told me he loved me, wanted me, wishes I was with him everyday. He told me that he would never do anything to hurt me, that he would never want me to even think there was someone else taking my place in his life. I was twittered patted, infatuated, I was in love with this man-who I thought was heaven sent. I mean he was what I thought I was looking for. He’s a believer, more over, a church goer. Prayers, works in the community. He respected me (or so I thought), he made me feel like a man should make a woman feel.

I met his parents, his eldest sister…and I didn’t just meet his parents we went on a double date with his parents. I met some of his closest friends…But recently he betrayed me.

Stage 1 – The betrayal

Things started changing-for the worse…I became inquisitive, which in turn only pissed him off. He was defensive and not forth coming with information because he said I was trying to check him–Guilty conscious was all that was. His new chick and him were on blast all over the Internetinternet but he denies and denied that she is his girl. He ultimately blamed me…said I was nosy and jealous and that his relationship with her is what it is…and that he said he wasn’t trying to have a GF and that she was not…but I guess you get to a point where seeing is believing and not hearing. He told me that we were just friends and that he told me he was “doin me”

Now what the hell does that mean? I had to do some background research on the term because I wasn’t believing that that meant what he tried to tell me that meant. So, I asked one male friend and he said to him it meant that the guy was doing his own thing–no ties…Okay that’s cool but next time if that is what’s meant…lets say that and mean that and let our actions depict that.

I also asked my male BFF and the first thing that came out of his mouth was “Selfish” he said it means that dude isn’t thinking about anybody but himself and it doesn’t matter how you may have interpreted anything he said i because he already had himself covered when he opened his mouth to say “I’m doin me” But in trying to gain further understanding our conversation continued and I asked well does doing him mean that he can blatantly tell me one thing and do another…does it mean since I’m doing me screw you and your feelings? does it mean I’m going to date you and date her too? Does it mean I’m in a relationship with someone else now but am still trying to hold on to you–does it mean that I CAN USE you to my own liking? My BFF concluded that from what I was telling him dude is immature, selfish and sloppy…that lightened my heart.

So all in all stage one for me is the being emotional…omg was I ever so emotional. I’ve apparently never felt for a man the way I felt for this one because I was undeniably devastated…crushed…my world…no the picture of my world with him fell off the wall and broke into a million pieces…my heart felt nothing but pain. I wanted to be angry but couldn’t because I was hurting too badly. I being who I am broke down and just cried over him. But it was a much needed release…

So all in all ladies reading this…if you know in your gut things are changing but his words are telling you what you see is not what you should believe…castrate that relationship asap to save yourself from ultimate hurt. Sometimes we allow ourselves to be caught up in things that could be avoided if we just took heed to the signs instead of ignoring them thinking something you can do will change things…let’s stop lying to ourselves…and men stop telling women “I’m doing me” if doing you is a conniving no good two timing backstabber is what you mean you are about to be then say that…but I know when I’m doing me…I’m still me and that’s honest and considerate of others feelings when allowing them to be a part of my life.

to be continued with Stage 2…

Once Again…

Once again I find myself

In a position that won’t

Allow me to win

Once again I love and

Give nothing but my

Soul, pure and whole

Unconditional and bold

But as my love unfolds

It’s so untold, what my

Future will hold

To love and let go is

The hardest thing I’ve ever

Done before, to care

About his happiness to

Want nothing but joy

For him, I find this situation

To be from my past

But when I blink right

Before my eyes the reality

Is it’s happening again

Why am I always loving

One who doesn’t ever give in?

© October 27, 2007

Truly Be…

As tears fall from my eyes

I can no long lie

The inner being that exist

With, in the conflict I feel is

So surreal but as reality

Sets in there’s no way I can win

What I feel is so real but

This situation I can’t deal

It’s euphoria and pain

It’s like a long dark gloomy

Day of rain

I cannot subject myself to the

Harsh reality of what I’m doing

To me…I find that I am once

Again compromising myself

For, yet, another man

I undoubtedly care but what we

Share is so unfair, this cannot go

On you see, I want you

And I know you want me, but only

When it’s right, so we can really

Truly be…


© October 13, 2007