Talking

I feel like being expressive today so I write. I really have come a long ways since my last post. What’s amazing is that this dialog is still, yes, regarding him. However, this entry is on a whole other note than the previous. Since my last post he has owned up to his actions and has taken accountability and admitting things that I never thought he’d admit. Which actually restored the respect that I initially held for him. I believe myself to be a good judge of character, but I started to doubt my judgment or assessment of who he was when he faltered in who I knew him to be.

After his initial apology I was still very guarded and on the defense and my behavior to him was what he deemed as mean. I don’t think I was aware of that and had he not said it to me I would have continued to treat him in that manner. However, he said it was strange to him because he only knows how to be with me one way…and that is likewise for myself but I guess on a subconscious level I was upset with him.
I don’t think anyone could ever understand the nature of our relationship…which is fine by me…but this guy was my best friend…all of my friends say they don’t understand why I even associate with him. That I should remove him from all facets of my life. But I am so unable to do that. While I will always love him…he has a special place in my heart, I am not in love with him anymore. We were friends before we were romantically involved and something is holding me to maintaining a friendship with him. I mean he knows me and understands me and doesn’t pass judgments on me. He knows how to just listen when I need to talk…I trust him on a friendship level more than I’ve ever trusted anyone before in my life. Undoubtedly the reason I allowed myself to fall for him so hard. I digress…we are still friends, we will always be friends.

I needed a friend the other day and he was that friend for me. I didn’t even have to say something was wrong he knew and he asked me did I need to talk. I said I didn’t know if I needed to talk and there the conversation began. He listened to me talk for 3 hours and comforted my soul in all my life worries. Which, mind you are not many, but the few that exist are kind of major. He prayed for me I prayed for him. We shared our concerns with one another and it was purely on a friendship level. On some level I’d like to appease my friends and say that he is no longer a part of my life. But if I’m going to be real with myself, which may be absurd to many…he is still my best friend…sometimes I’m not sure if that even makes sense but after being the kind of friends we’ve been to each other for the period of time that we have…how do you transition and just completely cut that kind of friend out of your life?

It may be possible for some but it is not possible for me. However, I do attempt in keeping some kind of distance between us…but it’s more so because of what other people say not what I believe…

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2 thoughts on “Talking

  1. The Last Spartan says:

    You’re in a very tough spot here. It’s always difficult to transition from being romantically involved to being simply “friends”. It’s admirable if you can do it, but it is very hard to accomplish.

    The problem that I see is that you may be communicating on different wavelengths. You need to be very careful about someone that’s burned you before. I wish you luck. It’s an admirable pursuit.

    If you proceed you need to keep in mind that you must be willing to let him succeed as your friend but also be willing to let him fail. If he does fail, you may have no choice but to ‘cut him out’ as painful as that may be. Remember that friends accept you for who you are. Friendship is not what you say but rather what you do.

    Keep writing.

  2. Ms. Peaches says:

    Thank you for your comment. You are so right about it being a tough spot. Reality of the situation though is while I trust him as my friend, I am not so sure that kind of trust that existed on a romantic level still does. In the sense that I don’t know if I can trust him beyond a reasonable doubt that he would never hurt me…so I am still guarded and by no means am I trying to re-enter into that kind of arena with him–I am way to vulnerable for that kind of friendship right now. But as friends I believe our relationship can be successful…after all that was what it was to begin with before it was anything more. And I absolutely agree that friendship is not what you say but rather what you do!

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