I feel like being expressive today so I write. I really have come a long ways since my last post. What’s amazing is that this dialog is still, yes, regarding him. However, this entry is on a whole other note than the previous. Since my last post he has owned up to his actions and has taken accountability and admitting things that I never thought he’d admit. Which actually restored the respect that I initially held for him. I believe myself to be a good judge of character, but I started to doubt my judgment or assessment of who he was when he faltered in who I knew him to be.
After his initial apology I was still very guarded and on the defense and my behavior to him was what he deemed as mean. I don’t think I was aware of that and had he not said it to me I would have continued to treat him in that manner. However, he said it was strange to him because he only knows how to be with me one way…and that is likewise for myself but I guess on a subconscious level I was upset with him.
I don’t think anyone could ever understand the nature of our relationship…which is fine by me…but this guy was my best friend…all of my friends say they don’t understand why I even associate with him. That I should remove him from all facets of my life. But I am so unable to do that. While I will always love him…he has a special place in my heart, I am not in love with him anymore. We were friends before we were romantically involved and something is holding me to maintaining a friendship with him. I mean he knows me and understands me and doesn’t pass judgments on me. He knows how to just listen when I need to talk…I trust him on a friendship level more than I’ve ever trusted anyone before in my life. Undoubtedly the reason I allowed myself to fall for him so hard. I digress…we are still friends, we will always be friends.
I needed a friend the other day and he was that friend for me. I didn’t even have to say something was wrong he knew and he asked me did I need to talk. I said I didn’t know if I needed to talk and there the conversation began. He listened to me talk for 3 hours and comforted my soul in all my life worries. Which, mind you are not many, but the few that exist are kind of major. He prayed for me I prayed for him. We shared our concerns with one another and it was purely on a friendship level. On some level I’d like to appease my friends and say that he is no longer a part of my life. But if I’m going to be real with myself, which may be absurd to many…he is still my best friend…sometimes I’m not sure if that even makes sense but after being the kind of friends we’ve been to each other for the period of time that we have…how do you transition and just completely cut that kind of friend out of your life?
It may be possible for some but it is not possible for me. However, I do attempt in keeping some kind of distance between us…but it’s more so because of what other people say not what I believe…