06.13.08
Who is this Man?
it is with unmerited favor
that he declares this hold on me
he decided he could not, and that
I could be subsided and now
he angrily tells me that I look
thirsty…his anger builds because
I won’t yield…his jealousy
rises because I look for another
but he’s already got his own
it seems to me as though he believes
because we decided to be friends
that that means I wait in the wings
for him to decide that he again
wants me…the absurdity that brings
is surely something, when friends
are supposed, to be- just and happy…
but i guess it should be that
I remain lonely because
he thinks he wants me
as if all he’s done can be undone
and the trust I once had will
reappear…oh what a pity
is all I hear…this whole
situation is just so unclear
is all my mind can hear…
06.09.08
Stage 3…Realization
NOTE: This is the final post in this series…the first is “Getting over a process indeed” and the second is “Stage 2: the fight”
I originally thought there might be four stages to this process of getting over. But I know now, that at least for me, there are only three.
This stage has brought me so much clarity and peace. I find myself smiling when I look back on what my relationship was with this man instead of feeling sad or hurt. Or just simply emotionally bound. It is only by the grace and mercy of God that I even made it to this stage because I was definitely at my wits end from time to time.
I’d like to tell the story from my new perspective and end it with the lesson of realization.
I med this handsome man. Educated, God fearing, hard working and dedicated to the community. He kept me mentally stimulated, he made me smile, he made me laugh, he made me feel like I was on top of the world. When I looked into his eyes I could see how much he cared about me. When he looked into my eyes he told me that he knew I loved him. I felt protected by him and I’m not the type that is necessarily looking for protection in a guy…I felt secure…I felt like he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. He made sure I knew how special I was to him and I made sure he knew how special he was to me.
Something along the way changed…I’m not sure why…but I am certain that when the change struck…I knew I needed to let go. I knew I needed to move on. But I was in denial and there were times where everything seemed like it was back where it had always been with no interruptions. But if I’m honest with myself, he started to be someone I didn’t want. He started to disregard me and close me out. I started to close him out as well. I had moved myself into self preservation mode. I needed to protect my heart, but the reality of the situation was that my heart was already vulnerable to the situation. My heart could no longer be protected.
While he says I was special to him, and that he loved me and still loves me…he never loved me the way that I loved him. He was never ready for what I was ready for. I now realize how I could have seriously avoided all that I went through if I’d have backed off from him the first time I opened my mouth and said he wasn’t ready. But as human as I am…I craved his attention, I craved his wanting me, I craved his embrace…I craved the way he looked at me…I needed to be wanted and appreciated. I needed to have that companionship that a woman looks for from a man. But what I really needed is to have taken things a lot slower. I gave too much of myself too fast…and I should have simply practiced more caution. He was not then nor is he now the kind of man I wanted to believe and deem him to be.
So I realize that seasons change. I realize he was just a person that should have been a friend, but because the heart loves to love I allowed my heart to love him more than his heart allowed him to love me. The end result was him being selfish against my heart, while my heart was still being selfless towards his. I will never understand why I wasn’t enough for him…but I do understand why he wasn’t enough for me. I had to stop condemning myself for the relationship between us going wrong. I did nothing wrong. I just realize that the relationship we had is not something I can have back, it’s not something I want back…it’s not something I could have fixed…not because I didn’t want it fixed but because it wasn’t supposed to be fixed. God was letting me know that I was not supposed to be waiting on him. That I was not supposed to be giving as much of my time, energy and emotion to him, because he had never reciprocated it equally.
I realize that God has a plan for my life and had I stuck around for this particular man…I would have been selling myself short because I was only happy for a little while. As individuals we have to determine our worth and the value of our worth and hold true to it. We can not cut ourselves off from what we deserve because we, temporarily, are made to feel good. I never deserved to be disrespected and treated with disregard, but on some level I feel as though I must have allowed it. I allowed him to think he had power over me, but through the betrayal and after the fight…I’ve taken my power back…and the funny thing is he’s still hitting on me… I have forgiven him and I have peace over the situation.
06.04.08
Stage 2…Continued
…I think I am transitioning into stage 3 right now. I believe this stage to be equatable to Realization…I’m still in dialogue with him as I still have things to say. Things are being expressed clearer now on both his part and mine. And as I make my transition from stage 2 “The Fight” into stage 3 I have learned a lot…I feel as though I have talked and talked about this situation so much that it is now falling on deaf ears so I write…
Stage two is really hard. The other day I wanted to call one of my girls but I didn’t because how I was feeling–while she would have been sympathetic to it. Afterwards she would have become the teacher and that wasn’t what I needed at the time. So I ended up talking to my BFF…(male) and the thing the said to me that stuck out the most and that has been replaying in my head is…
“Think of it as a positive [being single]. Maybe if you were to meet your king right now, when neither of you are ready for each other…you or him would screw it up.”
That put a new light on things because it makes absolute sense.
More to come in Stage 3…
Special Thanks
From the depths of my soul
throughout the inner workings
of my heart…my humility lights no
match to the flames of your sincerity
towards me…my words cannot
express the extent to which I give
thanks…my words cannot express
the immenseness to how endearing
your words have been to me.
It’s with clarity now that I see
how much your friendship, old
or new, truly means to me
You hugged me with your words
you loved me with unmeasurable
compassion…you showed me
the me that I thought I had lost
by keeping it real, more, real than
I really wanted it to be!
when my heart remained unchanged
you simply helped it beat anew
you refreshed my spirit
when I thought the pain would never be through
you brought me joy
by simply giving me your own smile
these words seem so plain
but it’s you, along with God,
that has helped to keep me sane
through trials and tribulations
I know you are always there
whether you’re here or not so physically
near…I know our bond because
by your works to me it’s clear to see
Thank you for being a blessing in my life
I really appreciate you more than you
can even imagine!
(Thanks M.ilk, L.H, Chief, L.A.T., K.A., A.P.G., J.S.M., J.T.)
06.02.08
Stage 2…The FIGHT
I had no self-awareness that stage two would be written so soon. But
I must submit to my minds thoughts before my mind submits to what
shouldn’t be and that’s a lack of sanity. With stage two it is my goal
to write this piece with a little more style and grace than I did in
stage one.
The fight is long and hard the fight makes you think you’re going
around in circles and ending up no where. I’m fighting the fight right
now…my mind feels corrupted with his lies…funny is he called me
last week…and the conversation seemed so pleasing to him as he
enlightens me on how one of his friends was trying to “holla at me
something vicious” but that I was in love with him…funny how guys
interpret things…I don’t believe those words ever came out of my
mouth…however the one who added pain to my heart told his friend
“no…that’s my girl”…hmmm let’s turn this into an equation…
me – him = nothingness…how does nothingness turn into “me”
equaling “his girl?” hmmm just a thought. More over why would he feel
it was appropriate to say that to me…well first to his friend and 2nd
to me. I’ve concluded that it brought him some kind of self
satisfaction that equates to his ego that he is the MAN…
I digress…once you find out about the betrayal you confront
it…confrontation or the lack there of only seeks closure. Closure
fights with love, love fights with lack, lack fights with love, love
fights with thoughts, thoughts fight with love, love fights with
memories, memories fight with more memories when all one really wants
to do is fight with him. Thinking maybe there’s something that I can
win…
The hardest part of the fight is removing yourself from the
equation. But I mean our relationship did just end on May 22…
So due to the fact that a week ago he was spending quality time with me…I can’t help that…
The heart speaks to the soul saying talk to him…talk to
him…while the mind says stay away from him you’ll never get closure
if you keep yourself immersed in the equation that brought you to where
you are to begin with…oh but it’s so hard. But the reality of the
situation is if he played with your emotions before he’ll play with
them again…if it disrespected you before he’ll disrespect you
again…well I dont’ know if I really believe that but in the fight
it’s the standard of life…if you believe it then you won’t subject
yourself to it.
I’m fighting hard to get rid of my emotions for him. I’m fighting
hard to not let what he did to me take my joy. I’m fighting hard to
keep the tears from falling from my eyes…I’m fighting hard to keep
myself busy…I’m fighting hard to not remove myself from my
surroundings by this yelling in my soul to just crawl up in a ball and
do absolutely nothing. I’m fighting hard to maintain my outlook on the
rest of the great things that are in my life. I’m fighting hard to stay
focused at work. I’m fighting hard to let God have his way in my life
and to rest assured that while i am sitting in God’s waiting room God
is teaching me lessons that I will need in the future to come.
During this stage it is easy to revert back to the stage where you
found yourself betrayed but think before you speak…become nostalgic
not on the way things were but on the way things are now…there’s no
time like the present to love yourself and protect
yourself…somethings can be avoided and allowing yourself to be sucked
back into his viciousness his uncaring unkindness…his lack of
consideration and compassion…you can avoid!
This is the stage where you take your life back…re-emerge yourself
in the things you love to do that you haven’t done in a while because
he occupied a lot of your time. Re-define your passions…Don’t condemn
yourself for it not working…what goes around comes around-so pray
that God has Mercy on him!
to be continued…
06.01.08
Getting Over…A PROCESS indeed…
It’s a new month…a new day and a different time. I’m stuck in the process of “getting over” someone and I am, for some reason, wanting to document this process.
I’ve never fell so hard for a man, like I did for this one. The way things started off, I would have bet money that he was the ONE. He painted me this picture that now seems to have been a facade on my part but while I was living it–it was so real. This man dated me, courted me, cherished me…well maybe not really–but it sure seemed that way. He told me he loved me, wanted me, wishes I was with him everyday. He told me that he would never do anything to hurt me, that he would never want me to even think there was someone else taking my place in his life. I was twittered patted, infatuated, I was in love with this man-who I thought was heaven sent. I mean he was what I thought I was looking for. He’s a believer, more over, a church goer. Prayers, works in the community. He respected me (or so I thought), he made me feel like a man should make a woman feel.
I met his parents, his eldest sister…and I didn’t just meet his parents we went on a double date with his parents. I met some of his closest friends…But recently he betrayed me.
Stage 1 – The betrayal
Things started changing-for the worse…I became inquisitive, which in turn only pissed him off. He was defensive and not forth coming with information because he said I was trying to check him–Guilty conscious was all that was. His new chick and him were on blast all over the Internetinternet but he denies and denied that she is his girl. He ultimately blamed me…said I was nosy and jealous and that his relationship with her is what it is…and that he said he wasn’t trying to have a GF and that she was not…but I guess you get to a point where seeing is believing and not hearing. He told me that we were just friends and that he told me he was “doin me”
Now what the hell does that mean? I had to do some background research on the term because I wasn’t believing that that meant what he tried to tell me that meant. So, I asked one male friend and he said to him it meant that the guy was doing his own thing–no ties…Okay that’s cool but next time if that is what’s meant…lets say that and mean that and let our actions depict that.
I also asked my male BFF and the first thing that came out of his mouth was “Selfish” he said it means that dude isn’t thinking about anybody but himself and it doesn’t matter how you may have interpreted anything he said i because he already had himself covered when he opened his mouth to say “I’m doin me” But in trying to gain further understanding our conversation continued and I asked well does doing him mean that he can blatantly tell me one thing and do another…does it mean since I’m doing me screw you and your feelings? does it mean I’m going to date you and date her too? Does it mean I’m in a relationship with someone else now but am still trying to hold on to you–does it mean that I CAN USE you to my own liking? My BFF concluded that from what I was telling him dude is immature, selfish and sloppy…that lightened my heart.
So all in all stage one for me is the being emotional…omg was I ever so emotional. I’ve apparently never felt for a man the way I felt for this one because I was undeniably devastated…crushed…my world…no the picture of my world with him fell off the wall and broke into a million pieces…my heart felt nothing but pain. I wanted to be angry but couldn’t because I was hurting too badly. I being who I am broke down and just cried over him. But it was a much needed release…
So all in all ladies reading this…if you know in your gut things are changing but his words are telling you what you see is not what you should believe…castrate that relationship asap to save yourself from ultimate hurt. Sometimes we allow ourselves to be caught up in things that could be avoided if we just took heed to the signs instead of ignoring them thinking something you can do will change things…let’s stop lying to ourselves…and men stop telling women “I’m doing me” if doing you is a conniving no good two timing backstabber is what you mean you are about to be then say that…but I know when I’m doing me…I’m still me and that’s honest and considerate of others feelings when allowing them to be a part of my life.
to be continued with Stage 2…
