Life is hard, but through the mist of it all your testimony becomes something awesome. So, here I am 25yrs old and I have probably been through more than the naked eye would realize by just looking at me. I’ve recently come to terms with some of my past demons and how they take a negative effect on my current life in certain areas.
So I come from a broken home…that right there is a testimony in itself, because I survived and I fought hard to survive. I’m still fighting but now I’m fighting to change me…to renew my mind–rather than deny or reject where I come from by being closed off about it. I was having this fabulous conversation with a friend and we were talking about why we do the things we do or why we allow the things we allow in our lives (mostly in reference to our relationships with men.)
For me I find it difficult to let a guy all the way in. Not because I am a closed off emotionless being…but just the opposite. I am such an emotional being that I innately want to protect myself from emotional harms that caused me great pain in my past.
Because of the nature of the relationship I have with my parents and the hurts they’ve caused me I have issues letting go…while I wanted to believe the issue was letting people in that is just one of the effects of my not being able to let go. If I let a person in there’s no doubt that I’m going to be genuine, caring, kind, considerate, trustworthy, and undoubtedly a nurturer…it’s just who I am. But when trusting and letting someone in, should I happen to fall in love and they betray me…I have an issue letting go.
This is sad but it is so true. I am one of those half full glass kind of persons’. I believe that good exist in most, if not all people. Some just don’t know how to access that gift (simply because they are choosing death instead of life)…I digress…when romantically involved emotionally, when I know it’s over when I know that despite the fact that he told me he loves me, or that he doesn’t want to ever hurt me in life, or that he would never want me to think anyone was taking my place in his life, or that I am so special to him or that I am an outstanding woman…or that the last guy who let me go should be slapped, or that he just can’t understand how someone hasn’t wifed me already…when he turns his back and stops giving and I know this is what he’s done…I still hold on. Hoping that he’ll see how great I am hoping that everything he said to me before still rings true…but who am I kidding??
Denial is a you know what! I have subjected myself to this too many times and it hasn’t been that many times. I’ve only been in love twice and this last one just like the first one thinks I am just here for whatever, while he decides whether or not he wants to commit to me or stay committed to me…and it’s absurd that because I am in denial that I stick around until I just can’t take it anymore.
I’m not saying that these guys are bad…because I don’t believe that to be true.They are however, selfish, inconsiderate, and probably greedy…take and don’t give, expect and don’t give, want and it’s absurd for you to want something back…again I digress… I do believe (and have even said it before I get to the point of which I find myself now) that they aren’t,weren’t and who knows if they’ll ever be ready for me (not because I’m vain but because I am not the kind of girl looking for games). So I’m now working on it because I need peace and I need my king!!! Not some two bit piece of a man who thinks because he said he loves me and knows that I love him to think that he can run game on me…